Just cropdusted the office
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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