i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
