Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
