Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
