I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
