how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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