Is it normal to miss your booty call?
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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