I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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