My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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