Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
