When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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