just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
