I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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