I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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