Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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