No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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