I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
