I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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