I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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