remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
