i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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