I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
