I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
