well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
