I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
