Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
