i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
