this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
