On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
