The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
