Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
