if i can run in heels then i can drive
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
