is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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