I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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