I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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