I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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