its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
