pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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