Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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