after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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