My brain says no but my pants say off.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
