thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
