my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
