what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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