halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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