I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
