but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
