Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
