I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
