I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
