I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
